Unsaved Doc 1

[Enlanra]

AN: my creative writing teacher hated this, then changed his mind and loved it. Any thoughts?


Unsaved Document 1


Okay, I?ve decided to be as selfish as they come and risk the derision that will be my response. Every now and then, I will actually do something for my peace of mind without considering the feelings of the world at large. Like now.

Last year, you told me you loved me. I didn?t know how to react. My ability to summon words to my defense failed me and all I could do was stand there, staring at my shoes, shaken, silent, and scared. It was too much for me to handle, or at least that?s what I told myself. In truth, it was that I didn?t believe you. Or maybe that I didn?t believe in me. In any case, I couldn?t bring myself to accept that I was worthy of being loved by someone like you. I didn?t doubt that you thought you loved me but I knew that what you loved was just an image of me.


Still, I think of you more often than I should and that is why, for my peace of mind, I find myself in front of this computer telling you that I miss you.

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God, that sucks. I stare at my computer screen, frustrated enough to spit glass. You would think I would be able to at least put words on paper in a coherent order. It?s what I love to do, after all. I highlight the feeble attempt at truth on the screen and hit delete. I don?t even know why I?m doing this. Why am I trying to explain myself to a guy I dumped almost a year ago?


Maybe if I didn?t think of it as me...

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She had known Kyle for six years before he asked her out. Or more precisely, had kissed her and told her he?d been wanting to do that for six years. Since she had felt the same way, she?d been nearly overjoyed. After that, it seemed natural for the two to date. She had been poised between blindly happy and shrieking terror. Kyle was, after all, in her eyes, perfect. Quite literally, every girl he met fell head over heels in love with his easy laugh, brilliant smile and talkative caring personality. He was too good to be true, especially for a girl who valued herself slightly above dirt.

She?d nearly decided on blissfully happy when he had told her he loved her. Immediately she stumbled back from the brink of joy and plummeted into an endless mire of fear. She wasn?t, could never be good enough for him.

She tried to make him hate her. She scorned his sweet gestures, even acting angered once when he brought her a rose as a get well gift during a bout with the flu. He would come to see her and she would encourage him to leave as quickly as possible. She even refused to let him tell people they were dating.

He should have hated her. By all rights, he should have told her to find a tall building and jump. But he didn?t. He continued to try, continued the sweet loving actions that would have melted any girl?s heart except one so consumed in self-dislike she couldn?t accept absolute unconditional love from anyone else. So she took matters out of his hands entirely.

February 13th, the day before Valentine?s Day. She?d finally come
to the realization that all her manipulations were bringing was unneeded
pain. For his sake as well as for her?s, she asked to speak to him away from the large gathering of their mutual friends.

?I?m sorry. I just can?t handle this. It?s too much. You invested way more into this than I ever can. Please... I just don?t think this is working. We... I?m making us both miserable,? her voice shook, quavering into a childish whine. Her hands twisted nervously together, fingers tangling. He reached down and took one of them, holding it between both of his as was his habit, hoping she would look up at him. She pulled away, wrapping her arms around her protectively.

She heard him sigh, ?I don?t think so either.? The unshed tears in his voice made her flinch but her own eyes remained quite dry.

Now she did look up at him, ?I really am sorry.?

He touched her cheek, ?I need my jacket.? She nodded and turned away, pretending not to see the tears on his face.

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Gee, everyone together now--melodrama much? Not to mention swarms
of dramatic irony. It?s really quite pathetic now that I have it written. But so was the whole damn relationship, I suppose. I can?t believe we ended it so ?Days of Our Lives?. God, we were sickening. Oh well, I least I?m not having to embellish for dramatic effect. He?s going to remember it. Now, we can go on to my favorite part: what I did instead of recovery.

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She hadn?t spoken to him in months. Better to cut herself off from the infection entirely, she thought. She figured she?d moved on. She felt guilty for hurting him, but she didn?t miss him. Well, not much anyway. The few times she did, it was a small twinge, easily forgotten. She had a fragile peace and enough activity in her life to banish lingering doubts. She should have realized it wouldn?t last but youth has a great capacity to ignore what they don?t want to see and she was very young, younger than her nineteen years suggested.

It wasn?t until October that she realized she still loved him. The birthday party of a mutual friend seemed harmless enough. Yes, he would be there but it had been nearly eight months, what was the harm?

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I should have known better. I should have remembered that there was no goddamn way I could be around him without making myself sick. But no, ?I was fine. I was over it.? I was such a idiot.

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The harm was his best friend. A bright, bubbly, and entirely too shrewd girl, Amber was more than impertinent enough to demand an explanation for the break-up. Being told to mind her own business did no good.

?Oh come on. You know you two are going to get back together.? Amber laughed.

She hit Amber with a pillow, ?Go through four more months of soul agony? Thank you, no.?

Amber laughed again, ?You can?t fool me. It?s inevitable. You are perfect for each other.?

She had been appalled, but it did startle her into thinking about her relationship with Kyle and she discovered she missed the easy camaraderie that had preceded the short doomed relationship. But she dared not ask for that type of relationship from him. He was still a star beyond her sphere as far as she was concerned.

A few days later, she told her friend about Amber?s assertions, hoping for a sympathetic ear. She received a slap in the face.

?It?s only because we?re all sick of hearing Kyle whine about it.?

She dropped the mascara she was about to apply, ?What??

?You heard me,? continued her friend calmly, retrieving the mascara from the floor, ?we are sick of listening to Kyle whine about you.?

Her stomach dropped to reside in her shoes, ?Jill, tell me you?re joking. It?s been seven months. He has to have moved on since then. Didn?t you say he was dating someone??

Her friend shrugged, ?Yeah, he is. So??

She didn?t have an answer. It was too sick. Too mind-blowing.

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Too much irony for me to know what to do with. Don?t lose your grip, girl, we?re almost done. And you?re belaboring the point. Moving on.

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She could have killed him. Every time she saw him she didn?t know whether she wanted to slap him or fall to her knees and beg him to take her back. Knowing that he would was suddenly an over-powering temptation, yet she knew pride would never allow her to attempt such a thing. She began to visit places he frequented, hoping he would be there and was perversely relieved when he wasn?t.

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I stand up and walk away from the keyboard, stretching tired neck muscles. I?m sick of this. I don?t want to write it anymore. It?s not going to help. I?ve met his girlfriend, she?s sweet. Kinda young but a really nice kid. Perfect for him, so why am I doing this? It?s just waste of my time.

I sit back down, re-read the last paragraph and continue. What else am I going to do? I won?t be happy until this is done.

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She eventually got over her masochistic wish to be near him, and
settled once more into a comfortable routine, alone.

When she met Trevor, she didn?t realize he was trying to flirt with her. Of course very few people would have since his methods were decidedly unusual. He talked to her about classes (they both hated theirs), music (she was a little bit country, he a little bit heavy metal, they both loved classical and Broadway), religion (she was firmly in favor, he thought they were bunk), and hobbies (she wrote and shopped, he played the oboe and photographed the moon). Then quite suddenly, he asked her out.

At first, she said, "no". He persisted so she explained about her last relationship and why she was skittish about getting into anything where she would deliberately try to hurt the other person.

He grinned and told her she was welcome to try. He was up to it. In the face of his obstinance, she finally said, "yes".

Unlike, Kyle, who had been a devoted, doting, affectionate boyfriend, Trevor didn?t even ask if he could kiss her until their fourth date and never professed any emotion deeper than respect for her. But nevertheless when he held her close as they watched TV, it was Kyle she continued to think of. It was Kyle she was thinking of when she demanded Trevor take her home one night. And when he kissed her good night, Kyle was still the first in her thoughts. Kyle was why she cried herself to sleep, guilt eating her up.

Eventually, Kyle was the reason she asked Trevor to just be her friend. She told herself and Trevor, that it was her childhood problems reaching forward to strangle the relationship, that things were just going too fast for her too handle. She couldn?t bring herself to admit that she loved Kyle and that Trevor would never be important to her in the same way.

That night she sat at her computer and tried to type an explanation of her feelings for Kyle, intending to mail it to him. At first, she tried a letter but failed, recoiling from the bald truths she placed on the screen. Then, because she was used to the format, she wrote it as a story making the event seem as though they belonged to a different person allowing her to distance herself from some of the still vivid pain.

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I stare at the screen for several minutes. Then I add a short note at the beginning, an introduction of sorts, the briefest of explanations for something I don?t fully understand myself.

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Darling Kyle,

I know not why I choose to interrupt our lives with this. I can hardly believe I have written it, let alone allow you to read it. Do not take it as anything but what it is, an explanation and perhaps a bridge to close the gap that has come between us. I miss you, not you, my boyfriend, but you, my dear friend who I could talk to for hours in perfect accord. Please read this with this one thought in mind--I scorned you not because I thought I was too good for you but because you will forever be more important to me than life and breath; an angel who fell from heaven and was kind to a child at once to young and too old for her years.
Yours,
Samantha

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I consider the screen again. My hands ache from typing, my neck throbs. I have put hours into this. I wonder what he will think upon reading it, if he will understand. I almost can?t wait, wishing I had him here to read it right now so that we could discuss it. We could be as we were before; when we could talk for hours and understand each other's thoughts without really needing to say the words.

I close the window. It asks me if I would like to save unsaved document 1. I press no. Then I call Trevor.

* * * *

Comments, questions, criticisms? (mostly the latter actually)


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"I will be an autocrat, that's my trade; and the good Lord shall forgive me, that's his." --Catherine the Great

"We live as we dream--alone." --Joesph Conrad

"Not all who wander are lost." --J.R.R. Tolkien

[This message has been edited by Enlanra (edited September 20, 2000).]

[Oz]

Comments - I LOVE THIS STORY. This is EXACTLY how my girlfrined and I started... It really struck home for me...

Question/Critcism - The narravtive switching thing, for me, wasn't too convenient for me. At first it was confusing, but I got used to it later... I got it by the end, and I see that it was nescessary, but...

Other than that, I really liked it. Oh also, I really like the title, it gives a good sense of the loss that the story is trying to convey.

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"What about him? What are you doing with him?"
"What you should be doing with me..."

Proud family member of Jelymo, gollum, Kelly, Dano and others.

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

[This message has been edited by Oz (edited September 20, 2000).]

[jones]

Another bit of antedeluvian Scenariana that might deserve another look.

take care

---jones

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"what Marie's not gonna do"
new chapters in Works & Days
a punk rock romance in words, music & art
http://www.freehomepages.com/worksanddays

[5Cats]

I liked it more once I figured out that the first bit was the document1 in question and the "Darling Kyle" part was intended to go in front of it. Ties the whole thing together in a circular sort of way.

You used the breaking from narration to 'real time' effectively, keeping the subjects connected dispite the abrupt switching. It is a bit confusing at first, mostly because we're not used to it I think (the switching back & forth style that is).

Thanks for the insight into the female mind. Always been a mystery to me. Been on the recieving end of such strange behaviour more than once